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In two months time: "Hello there, Boris here, in this unprecedented time with a global pandemic still being fought, with the nuclear fallout from ex-President and current inmate at San Jose death row, Donald Trump who accidentally pushed the red button thinking he was getting Fox news instead, through to the invasion of the killer tripod aliens and their attempt to farm humans for their dietary nourishment, I once again call on everyone to stay calm and at home. Non-essential manufacturing workers can use our new interactive map which highlights radio active fallout hotspots, Covid-19 hazard areas as well as alien blindspots where their antennas can't smell human prey to plan their journey to work. Thank you."

Cheers. Self isolating for 12 weeks (At least) due to wife’s Asthma. Daughters fine (single) and just qualified as a teacher so ready to marry off ? New hobby: Chicken keeping (Mainly for the 9 year old to have some activity / routine / fun during the next several months. Making Bread and trying to watch a comedy every night. Trying too avoid too much news, twitter etc and just full of admiration for the people fighting this on the frontline. Hope everyone on here stays safe and try’s to keep their pecker up as best they can. Fat little cunt out

I don't like the 8:30 press conference. It ruins your evening waiting for the tit. Get it over at 5 so we can pretend that everything is normal in the run up to bedtime.

Lads, you're making me want coronavirus.

Get yourself round to CT's. He's a finger lickin chicken fuckin MUTHAFUCKA chamone heehee!

First they closed McDonald's and I did not speak out because I don't like minging burgers. Next they closed Greggs, and I did not speak out because I'm not a scratter. Then they closed KFC..... FUCK OFF, I love chicken buckets.

Those quinoa Berry muffins are a triumph. Absolute corona busters. I've let Trump know so he can talk about them at his press conference today. "I gotta tell you. This guy says they work. I dunno, maybe they work. What have we got to lose."

She went two stops, pissflaps! Maybe you can take her round some goji berry flapjacks so she doesn’t have to expose herself to the death flu.

A mate of mine works for a comapny supplying equipment to ICU's, He posted this on FB today. Somone asked his about the % of these, he the replied with this;

Here @Renton if your working from home I think I've found a solution for you

Been keeping myself busy on my days off. Converted a kiddies card based game into an arcade cabinet. Just need to get some proper artwork printed off

Is it not Uncle Buzzcock's Nana? She still mustn't have petrol for her scrambler.

What you'd have her walk up the hill that you can't get up yourself, soft shite?

I've just been kicked out of a very southern English WhatsApp group for posting that

If anything it's your own fault for not building sufficient slack into your normal working day so it makes it look like you're still working to capacity. No sympathy from me I'm afraid.

Headphones if you've got kids.

No more than two people can congregate in public but 100s of people can mix for nine hours a day in factories.

https://thepooptool.com

Get ready for lockdown if the rumours are right

Oof. Ruined my FIESTA RICE tbh.

You’ll be like Desmond on his return to Trinidad at this rate edit: make that Guyana. Lost its impact with that edit tbh

I love how he’s your roving reporter for all this

He’s shed two stone. And two balls

I’ve lost the key. Fucking disaster.

Are the shed wanks into double figures yet?

Alaska is the most northerly, westerly and easterly state in the USA. Also the ice cream van, yes THE ICE FUCKING CREAM VAN FFS! Has just pulled into our street.

You'll sweat it out in no time if that day at Tilleys is owt to go by.

totally useless bastard?

Sturgeon is the least sexy woman under 60 in Western Europe It’s being widely suggested that she set all this up. If true you’d hope that would finish them as a force in politics but a lot of the fuckers up there are just as swivel eyed as any Faragist. My old man saw their rise before he died a couple of years back...he always said “don’t trust them...don’t trust anything with Nationlist in its name, fuckin anywhere”...

I hope the govt. points out they have an online service and fucking hammers them to set an example.

Still no mention of factories, construction etc

This is doing the rounds.… It’d be nice if half the cunts posting it took heed.

Along with your pacemaker.

WEINSTEIN'S GOT IT! Shit month for him.

Hartlepool is further north than the southernmost part Sweatyland. Please God, switch off my internet.

I live in Poole mate. Edwardian two bedroom semi next to a railwayline see above ^ I'll plot the walk tomorrow..might walk past his gaff if I go a bit further but it'll be busy as fuck down there. He lives right by the harbour, the gypsies all live about 4/5 miles out at the top of the hill.... I'm about halfway between the two

* you’re

All cunts. Everyone of them

The Boris Johnson impression 😂

I don’t think my kids understood a word of it, all good

Are you CT's infant son? Would explain the left-wing rebellion against "the man" and generally naive views of the world

@Christmas Tree are you still alive you melon? Hope you and the family are all OK. Especially the daughter that fancies me.