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A 10ft coffin, slowly whirring down the aisle carried by 6 weeping Roombas.

As a string quartet plays a sombre rendition of "Too shy shy, hush hush, eye to eye".

They should sing for their ventilators, with a public vote. It will be even more hilarious since they will be gasping for breath.

Is this ITK the same as the MA selling up stuff? Just saying

Wor lass got that too. At least that’s where she said she got it

On past form, that means imminent lockdown.

I only come on here now for the hourly updates on Renton’s psyche

i reckon you're a goner mate, like rayvin

Londoners can’t be trusted Gloom. Selfish cockney wankers. They’ll all go out up the old cunt road or wherever Fri/Sat night getting hammered & spreading death, then start looting the local Iceland. Don’t blame the authorities for trying to help feed the elderly My utterly heroic 72 year old father in law is as we speak in a queue at Sainsbury’s (opening early for pensioners only) waiting to get in to get us the beans & eggs that we couldn’t get at our local Lidl’s yesterday which looked like a scene from Mad Max . He walks his two giant Spinoni dogs 5/6 miles a day. Fit as a fiddle that cunt. Am still loafing in bed, all cosy with a cup of tea...what do you mean I’m a selfish snide tosser too?

Hearts are still shit

With all these empty car parks, dogging is going to be a nightmare

Nothing but a portly traffic warden.

In the news there that a food bank in West Yorkshire has been broken into. There's some people that deserve this fucking virus.

Never click on one of MF's links man.

But slots! Michel Barnier has tested positive! Which filfthy Brexit bastard gave it to him I wonder? But slots! That was supposed to be zut alors!

They’re all at Asda

Used to work with a wife referred to as the Christmas Tree (in retrospect she might’ve been the wife of Christmas Tree). Her body just kept getting wider until it reached a pair of short, trunk-like legs

I'm just going to head out today and buy enough crisps to last the impending apocalypse and that, combined with my VOD, should see me through. It's incredibly tiring seeing people post skin-deep motivational platitudes on social media about having to tough it out though. You have one job; to sit in the house and wash your hands. Oh no, your routine has went from going to the same three places to just the one, what a sacrifice. Boils my piss something rotten. Perfectly healthy people twisting on that they don't have to leave the house and go to work, they don't even have kids to look after. Most of them don't even have pets. Fuck me, I hope I do get it so I can stop angrily looking at social media all day.

Finally actually said something useful, not that it is working

I got stopped in town by a scouser market researcher who asked, ” Do you like avocado?” I said, “ No mate, I can’t drive.”

'The Northumbrian piper' = He was a gaffer who had a colostomy bag.

As a positive aside, this has helped me realise that my deep set anxieties and depressions are not based in day-to-day living but are actually steeped in great existential crises and the very nature of the unanswerable weighing down my every day thought process. I’ve spent sleepless nights worrying about untimely ends, the big questions and the weight and importance of the community of friends and family we surround ourselves with and when you see those things threatened, as they are now, it’s soothing to know that, even in my depths, when I can’t actually function for a racing mind, I’ve never attempted to deal with those difficult questions by panic buying shit tickets and tins of peas. These fucking idiots have made me feel a lot better about my specific brain issues and I thank them.

The Fish is just a Gyles Brandreth in waiting.

A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags.

Isn't it like that normally Just joking Meenz

L'Italie... *wheeze* *cough* ...nul points.

In these dark times this is the light relief we all need. Del Boy and Rodney are going to be box office.

The Coaster- a particularly nasty and self important building manager in one of the BT call centres we used to have contracted. I’d send the lads in to see her, warning them about her behaviour, and just before they’d go in I’d tell them, “ Oh, by the way, word is her husband likes to lie under the coffee table while she lays a cable on the glass, so try not to picture her doing that”

Sir Phillip the Brave??

Stanley Johnson and Janet Street-Porter, hopefully

If you listen really carefully, you can hear a faint, persistent scratching in the background. It’s the sound of millions of wives writing “jobs around the house” lists for us poor saps. Worse, still- THERE’S NO FUCKING ESCAPE!

Nah, they just heard ewerk was going in.

By proper…

Would look like the Air Force trying to intercept Godzilla as he rises from his watery tomb.

Even if they followed the US and gave everyone 1 or 2k that's only one or two months rent in London. That's also the problem of a housing sector based on parasites/landlords with buy-to-let mortgages - if we had mass council housing then it could be "written off" by government funding.

For old times' sake...

At last, some positive news

And John Barnes- I was 29 in 1997 and was middle aged by the time he’d ran past the halfway line.

I think we should all ease up on the piss taking of Renton tbh. It’s an incredibly stressful time, likely to become even more so, and everyone deals with it in different ways. And he’s on his period.

And you sir, are a cunt, so you'll be okay. Really fucked off. Just had it confirmed we are expected to work nights and weekends to make up our work quotas to balance childcare commitments. Or take unpaid leave. This is coming from the NHS, we're all screwed. Except teachers maybe.

My mate in Germany says the shops there have all run out of sausages and cheese. That’s the Wurst Kase scenario.

And if you could get some fat pig-fucking moron to call me boring, state that 87% of people from Blyth are ugly and brag how he's going to have 19 pints the minute he's off the intravenus drip...that'd be nostalgia-tastic.

No Eurovision? Bring me the virus.

Just seen Eurovision has been moved to next year....has anyone checked on @Meenzer to see if he’s ok?....

There's an Innuendo competition that's just been announced, I might enter the lass next door.