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"....and then ah says, 'two Wongs don't make a White' and everyone was in stitches! Lol. After that ah ordered me usual chicken curry fried rice with chips. Wongy's sound though, loves the craic when we all pile in after a sesh for some scran. If you look at his beaming smile you might miss the tears welling up with happiness but when you're the Trinity mirror regional sports writer of the year you miss fuck all. Up here for thinking, doon there for dancing! Laters."

What are you doing still up? Get to bed! Now!

LOL. Laters

Did anyone check to see if Ashley’s helicopter went on to Leicester?

He's shite mate. Sorry to disappoint.

Flying in to personally sack whoever authorised the painting of the walls.

Kidney doo too bad up there man

That's the best part of it. The difficult bit of the journey is the bit that's in Britain Also he's an MEP for North West England, which doesn't seem to be anywhere near Ipswich where he lives and would require a few train changes to get to. Also he calls himself "Dr" but he actually gave up on being a practising doctor after two years, which suggests - like this - that he's not very good at looking into what a job actually entails before signing up for it. Also he co-signed this letter in June 2016 about how leaving the EU would be terrible for the NHS. Also he's a cunt (sorry @catmag, lovely to have you back ). And yet he's still far from the worst the Brexit Party has to offer. God help us all.

Sell all our strikers and sign a manager who can’t setup a defence. neat.

That’s what we’ve come to expect from the 2014 Pride of Trinity Mirror Group award winner.

Fortunately none of us give a fuck any more fanks to Mike. It's perfect timing!

It was a Fanny’s hair’s width

Just like your average mackem then. OBSESSED!

Breaking News; Ashley spotted spewing his ring in a Leicester curry house. Adios Ayoze.

Buy a load of unsuitable shite from Belgium or France or Greece or some other tinpot league and embrace the void.

“Plan”

And those who aren’t mackems are all Paul Wynn.

I’ve never been a massive fan. Good instinctive finisher but no composure when give time. Saying that though he would be an automatic starter for us which says more about the state of our side. But to have your top two scorers leave and no manager or technical director in place to recruit replacements is complete incompetence. We need something to happen quickly or we’re fucked.

Scouser working for a Bin company Oh the irony.

The Knight Ryder is well in with Micky Wong at the Golden Dragon takeaway, man. It’ll be award-winning ITK, and he’ll get a free chicken fried rice with chips and curry sauce for every article he prints.

Normally, I'd not be bothered about losing Perez, especially considering he's not going to have Rondon next to him but history has shown that he won't be replaced. 12 goals is nothing to sniff at in the Premier League these days and when you add Rondon's 11, there's about half our goals gone immediately. Great planning as ever.

By gust, you mean F5 tornado, don’t you… the massive fat cunt that he is.

It begins with Sports and end with Direct.

The fucking clip of that man, he must have got them made “awwight moi saahhn you know that Disney geezer Aladdin? Yeah gimme a pair of pants like his but make them jeans. Anyway on your bike I’ve got go ring old man Kinnear, the jobs open again”. The best part is those jeans are so fucking shite that poor excuse for a shirt, and those monstrosities on his trotters slip under the radar.

Probably popping in to Geordie Jeans for another custom made pair of kecks, the scruffy cunt

I think you'll find it was invented by Manchester City fans.

As it becomes apparent that Hunt might be more dangerous than Johnson, informal polling suggests the Tory membership are swinging behind him.

maybe mike has 2 new strikers, a midfielder and a manager hidden in his massive strides

Phil Neville just got beat by a WOMAN

Well at least there’s 11 men in England happy that their dinner will be on the table by the time they get in from work tomorrow.

And no manager. So is this going to be the week when Mike Ashley can rightly say he is getting the hang of this football lark? So where now? What about the next few years? How can we as a club take advantage of this solid foundation and become a regular top four challenger?

Fastest dancer in the North East?

"Micky, wor kid! Order iz a taxi, man! Just tell them ah'll be ootside the chinkees having a tab if they ask."

Aye, that's the other thing with this lot the "pay in installments" shite they go in for.

He’ll be making a quick stop in London to pick out of contract Carroll up, you can almost see the summer interns video project for the signing announcement on the clubs social media accounts now.

Shut up you pair of fucking mackems

Everyone new here is a Mackem until proven otherwise. And even after being proven otherwise.

Honestly, do you even need qualifications to be a local sports journo anymore? Take yourself to Wikipedia, find a bit of waffle about that Chinese club, don't bother cleaning up the typos and hit return.

Aye. Speaking of idiots I see the Chronicle is running a bunch of stories of “everything you need to know about Rafa’s new club” They surely must know no one fucking cares right?

Have been to DaLian, it's ok. Unsure about the Hong Kong of the North label but its been a few years, I guess. Having lived in China before I can say confidently that i would not now choose to live in China. But I guess £12m a year might swing it.

Catts for me like

I bet he has immigrant servants that he pays a pittance to shovel his shit. Young female servants that are very afraid of his ape hands.

The horrible ugly little sex pest has got a fair bit of history for having a go at Rafa. Interesting thing to attack Benitez for btw, especially considering the sniveling little pleb long since sold his soul to Qatar, the mighty atom that dared to dream “On this day (December 18) in 2022 the World Cup Final will be played in the country that dared to dream. As an Englishman, nothing will give me more pride if my team is in that final. How good would that be? The country I was born in, playing for the greatest sporting prize of all, in the country I now live in and have grown to love. There are so many mis-understandings about Qatar and this part of the world. I find that most ‘experts’ on this State are those that shout the loudest and have never been here. They are on most subjects aren’t they? Crime? There isn’t any. In the five years I’ve lived here I’ve never once locked a car - or my house. Everybody has a bed. Unemployment is unheard of. Despite the best efforts of some of its neighbours to adversely affect it, the economy is buoyant. At this time of year the weather is gorgeous. And the golf is great! ‘Ah, but what about the workers?’, I hear you scream. ‘What about workers rights?’. Fair point. I’m not going to pretend that things are perfect on that front, but I can tell you that a lot has changed in that respect. Progress has sometimes been slow, but progress has been made. Sustainable change can’t happen overnight. If things are to change forever then progress has to be ‘managed’ and change has to be permanent. That’s what’s happening. ‘Ah, but they bought it’.... How many times have I heard that? One enquiry after another has cleared Qatar of any wrong doing. What has been exposed are the back stories to 2006 and 2010, but there’s never too much of a fuss made about those awards. Why not? The anger about Qatar is based on England’s failed 2018 bid, jealously and dare I say it, racism at times.” What a pathetic urchin of a man, “oh what about the slavery I hear you scream” what a punchable cunt. He follows that doozy of making light of human rights abuse up with a magic line about how the enquiries have cleared the bid of wrong doing. He goes on to say he thinks it’s going to be the best world cup ever, and no one from any other country besides England has reservations about it being in Qatar.

Got tickets for Wednesday, can’t wait!

Maybe he’s gone to China to earn the big bucks so he can come back to Newcastle and put his hand in his pocket as Keyes suggested.

Bit weird him not staying then

I imagine we'll hear a bit more from him in interviews. The statement was never likely to contain anything explosive.

20 seconds more than I attempted.