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i'd fucking love a man cave: bar, decks, play/wank station, darts board etc

I've forgotten about Blair running on the whole illegal war platform, my apologies.

A flea made redundant from a flea circus walks into a job centre around 1970 looking for a job and has an interview with a job centre employee. Job centre kid: "looks like you're in luck, factory next door are taking people on and....." Flea: "woah! I'll just stop you there kidda. I used to work in a flea circus, I'm not doing any old shite. It has to be a job in showbusiness." JCK: "OK, I'll see what we've got available. Right, looks like I've just the job. Lassie is looking for a flea on her new film, 'lassie come home'. Is that showbusiness enough for you?" Flea: "Aye, sounds OK, I'll give it a go." The flea hops off to his new job but two days later turns up at the job centre. JCK: "What you doing back?" Flea: "The job was no good." JCK: "Are you kidding? You knocked back a factory job for this, said you wanted showbusiness didn't you?" Flea: "Aye I did, but fucking lassie, man. She's jumping out burning buildings, jumping over dangerous rivers, fuck that! Just cos I'm a flea, I've got rights as well, y'knaa! Safety being one!" JCK: "Alright, keep your hair on, I'll see what else we've got. Righto! He we go. Omar Sharif's new film are looking for a flea to go in his tache. That sound alright? Just think of all the Hollywood parties you'll get to?" Flea: "Aye, sounds canny. I'll do that, like." Off hops the flea to go his new job but two days later he walks back into the job centre. JCK: "What the fuck you doing back? What was wrong this time? The Hollywood parties not your scene?" Flea: "It was canny enough but the minute he went to a Hollywood party he'd get his cigar out and I could hardly breathe through all the smoke. Just cos I'm a flea, I've got rights as well, y'knaa!" JCK: "Right! I've had enough of this shit. Here's a job here. Showbusiness and you'll be the envy of all your mates. Britt Ekland needs a flea in her pubes. Don't dare come back here after me giving you that gig." Flea: "Fucking hell! I'm definitely up for that, like. When do I start? Hahaha!" Off the flea hops for his rendezvous with Miss Ekland's minge. Two days later he turns up at the job centre once again. JCK: "You've got to be fucking kidding me, here like! I've gave you a job half the blokes in the world would snap your hands off for! What the fuck was the matter this time?" Flea: "Nowt, it was fucking great at first, I had a good luck and a quick one off the wrist, no bother at all." JCK: "So what happened?" Flea: "She went to one of these Hollywood parties, didn't she?" JCK: "And?" Flea: " I ended up back on Omar Sharif's fucking tache!"

Crikey, how long ago did you first get a cold?

now that's what I want in my back garden.

I was telling me mate about it and he thought I wanted a titty bar at first

Tell them to squeeze out a turd on their kitchen bench, put the radio commentary on, then stare at the turd as they listen. They’ll feel like they’re there. Especially if they give up and fuck off 45 minutes in.

He’d never last, he’d be polygon

Fucking long if he was being taught by Digger McChubs himself.

Au contraire, mon brave. Itsh heckshtreemly speshul.

You've literally just contradicted yourself in both of those paragraphs.

Bloke walks in the bar with a flamingo and a cat and orders a pint. Flamingo pipes up, "make that two, squire". Cat then adds, " make it three, chief. Put it on their bill." This goes on all night and they're pretty well served at the end of the evening before the cat says he's off for a piss and the flamingo says "me too!" Barman waits for them to fuck off to the bog before asking the bloke what the craic was? Bloke says, "I found an old lamp, gave it a rub and fuck me, a genie comes out and grants me one wish!" Barman says, "what did you ask for, mate?" Bloke looks miserable and says, "I wished I could have a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

They should sign this lad to the squad

Yeah, apparently us leaving the EU will remove a big impediment to trade with India. For the EU.

Are you saying, they’ll Strike Back?

Aye. Simply "2 in a row", nothing else, at the Wolves match would have been canny funny. Well, a bit, maybe.

Crikey, how long ago did he tell it?

I don't know what the fuck has happened to the BBC in recent years. Their news is truly awful. R4 was the last bastion, and now they are broadcasting hate speeches? What's the purpose of this?

Laura Marling's new side project, me likey

Surely this would make you entirely unsuitable for government.

Linked with Bertrand this morning. I can only assume Dummett is off to Barcelona

Neves was just trying to put it back into he mixer.

I think most folk from Ashington wake up with a horse's heed in their bed on a regular basis

Danish CT-“I’m a member of the Danish National Symphony Orchestra” Bored Neighbour-“ Oh, what do you play, violin?” DCT- “ Err, no…” BN-“ You in the brass section then?” DCT- “ Close…ish” BN-“ Just fucking tell me what you play!” DCT “… … planks.”

I took a pic of my kids at Thiepval in 2015, which captures, I think, the unique atmosphere of these WW1 memorials and cemeteries.

Aye, but what about Trump?

And what’s the deal with consecutive relegations?!

I can picture him in the golf club bar with them, pringle jumper tied around his neck, laughing about PPI protection and scotchguard coatings.

Not the best choice of phrase, you fat fucker.

Three blokes are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first bloke immediately blurts out "I want a billion pounds ." POOF! he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF! he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £100 billion. The third chap thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF! his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First lad says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF! Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF! his looks change and the Salma immediately starts flirting with him. Third lad says "I want my right arm to rotate anti-clockwise until I die." POOF! now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third and final wish. First one does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF! his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second bloke says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! he looks younger already. Third bloke smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to constantly nod back and forth." POOF! he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First man is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever.Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second man smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your Salma is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."